Asher Ray Lied came silently into the world on Sunday, February 19, 2017 at 2:18pm.
He was our rainbow baby; not only was he born after a first trimester miscarriage, but also after struggling with unexplained infertility. After 5 months of fertility treatments, one miscarriage, one D&C, and multiple blood draws to check that my HCG levels were dropping, Asher was conceived naturally following the return of my cycle.
At the time, we bought into the cliché saying “everything happens for a reason”. Here was the reason for our suffering, our baby boy. If we hadn’t been through all of the above, we wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with Asher.
Then he died, with no explanation as to why, at 32 weeks 5 days gestation after an uneventful pregnancy.
I no longer subscribe to the trite saying that “everything happens for a reason”. There is no reason as to why my son died.
Literally…there is no cause of death.
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Since saying hello and goodbye to our son, we returned to fertility treatments. After 2 cycles of injectables with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), we conceived Asher’s twin little sisters, Harper and Scarlett. We welcomed them to the world on August 30, 2018. Pregnancy after loss was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, the first hardest being living every day without my son.
Our world flipped upside down on February 18, 2017 when we saw tears in our doctor’s eyes as she said the words “I’m sorry”. On that day, our world became divided into “before” and “after”.
Grief has been a constant companion since that day. Some days it simply lingers in the background, a dull, constant ache for my missing child. Other days it is at the forefront of my mind, crushing me with the weight of the immense loss we’ve experienced.
However, intermixed with that grief is also joy, so much joy. Joy at the fact that I have a son, who may not be here but who is still leaving his mark on this world, and joy at the fact that I have the pleasure to raise twin daughters here on earth.
Living each day without my child has taught me that the happiest moments will always be a little a sad. And that’s okay. One emotion does not negate the other.
Asher may not physically be here with us, but he is in everything that we do. His name is spoken in our home every day. His sister’s say his name and know his face. He is our son. He is a member of our family. He will never be forgotten. We will never allow that to happen.