I originally asked to be part of “Share your story Tuesday” thinking I would write about finding out about our daughter’s passing. However, the more I thought about it the more I realized that there are so many amazing things that I would love to share instead. So I wrote this love letter to my husband and my sweet Cooper Kay.
I will always remember the day I told Branden that we were going to have a baby. We sat and cried, hugged, laughed, and cried some more. We were parents from the moment we found out about our little baby. We went to Target that night and bought onesies and iron on letters, and Branden made one that read “Baby Ham”.”
I will always remember our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. We held hands and watched a little body move around together and couldn’t hold back our tears and excitement.
I will always remember telling our parents, siblings and friends that we were going to have our first baby. Their reactions are some of the happiest moments of my life.
I will always remember the 20 week ultrasound and hearing that our baby was healthy and growing perfectly and we had “nothing to worry about”.
I will always remember the day we picked out her dresser and Branden had to scoot the seat in my little SUV all the way forward so he could drive us home. He was SO happy.
I will always remember watching him paint her room “Angelic” pink, that night I learned I could balance a bottle on my belly!
Our world revolved around this baby in my belly and our love for her.
From the gender reveal, the showers, preparing our home and her room, to feeling her kicks together, we were a team already and this baby just made that bond even stronger.
I will always remember getting to the hospital and seeing a pink stuffed piggy in the window of the gift shop. I pointed it out to Branden and told him we should buy it, because she was our “Little Ham” and she had to have it.
I will always remember the way his face changed when the doctor told us our Cooper Kay was gone. The noises he made and the immediate panic, his bone crushing hug and the pain that radiated between us in that damned Room 112.
I will always remember how broken he looked when he came back into the room with that little stuffed pink piggy. My heart was so broken for us, and I wished so badly we could go back in time and just relive another happy day, when we had no idea of what our future would bring.
I will always remember how absolutely perfect our daughter was. How she looked like both of us at the same time. How she had the prettiest golden hair and how I wondered where that color came from, until I noticed it was the same color as Branden’s arm hair. How she had his tiny chin, a chin that no one ever sees because his beard covers it.
I will always remember how calm he became the instant he held his daughter for the first time. The sweetest words I’ve ever heard were those of him telling her how he met her mommy. I’ve cried so many times reliving those days, the details and the pain from our time in the hospital, but I’ve also smiled.
I will always remember my perfect paradise. Sitting in the hospital bed, with Branden next to me, holding our girl and snuggling up to them with my head on his arm, right next to her head. Smelling her hair and giving her a thousand kisses. I go back to that place in my mind daily, that memory is my home.
I will always remember, and always feel the love. The strongest love in the world. Meeting our baby and instantly feeling my heart explode from so much love. Watching Cooper in her Daddy’s arms, there’s no better sight. There’s no better love. That love defines me.
It’s such a horrible thing, to lose a baby. It’s the worst. It sucks. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t have words to describe the heartbreak. But thanks to my husband and thanks to our daughter, I have so many memories that I will always remember. I think that my soul left my body the second they wheeled me away from her, but these memories heal me. These things keep me strong, they remind me that life is a miracle.
The best thing our babies do, whether they live or die, is teach us about who we are meant to be. My daughter gave me a purpose in life that I never fathomed I’d have, I never knew what I was missing until I saw her precious face.
I will always remember that I have a beautiful daughter, her name is Cooper Kay Hamilton and she is the best thing, the very best thing we’ve ever held.
***** To read Cooper's moms blog, please visit www.longingforCooper.com*****