My husband and I will have been together for going on 8 years this year…
Well after about 3 years of trying naturally we finally went to my obgyn and asked why aren’t we getting pregnant. We did some blood work and I was diagnosed with PCOS. So she put me on metformin, which helps regulate your cycles. Some women can get pregnant just with the help of this medication, so we were super hopeful and happy we finally knew what the deal was. Little did we know this was only the beginning of our journey.We tried for about a year with no results, so my dr said ok lets try some fertility medication. I read so much about clomid and all the success stories and we figured we would be pregnant in no time. Our first round our dr started us on medicine and we didn't get pregnant. We then went through several other rounds without getting pregnant.
This was beginning to take a toll on our relationship, our hope, and our happiness and not to mention the side affects from not only the metformin, but the side effects of clomid are horrible…. Mood swings stomach aches, nausea, hot flashes… We were defeated after our 4th round and again no pregnancy, so our doctor referred us to a specialist. We had our over the phone consult which is where we learned and talked about IUI and possible injections if it came to that. After learning all of this we knew that we needed to take some time. I was planning a wedding and didn’t need anymore stress and we needed time to focus on us. So we took just shy of a year break from infertility treatments. When we finally decided to start trying again I began to do research on IUI and found out we had a dr locally that did IUI!!! So I called my OBGYN and had her send a referral! We were so excited to learn that we could do this in town. We were in such a better place and mind frame, we were ready to start again… so we had our consult with Dr Johns and made a plan… but since we had already done 4 rounds with fertility meds he wanted to max me out on the meds and if no changes he knew I was going to probably need the help with stronger meds and injections. We went through a couple more rounds withe still no luck. I had cried many times in my husbands arms… a lot of tears a lot of sleepless nights… a lot of doubting your self worth and feeling worthless…. Feeling as though God put women on this earth to make babies and I cant even do that… wondering if I will ever be a mother… if I will ever know what it feels like to be pregnant or to give birth…. I cant explain the feelings or thoughts…. Keeping our hope and faith is always a struggle at times… praying and just trying to stay positive.
On May 22nd I was at work and didn't really feel good. I felt super nauseous I thought maybe I had eaten something bad. I went to the bathroom at work and threw up- so I told my bosses and I went home, a few people from work made the comments "maybe your pregnant" my response... ya I wish.... So I went home, and thought im going to take a test just to get it out of my head. I took one test- Pregnant... my stomach dropped my breathing got heavy I hurried and took another test... Pregnant... and another ALL PREGNANT.... I was shaking hard to talk called TJ balling told him I took 3 tests and they all said PREGNANT he thought I was lying lol he then said what do we do I said im going to call my dr and get lab work done. We went to the hospital got labs and went home and waited.... the whole time im thinking maybe it was false positive... watch my labs are going to come back at 5 (5 and up is positive) and they are going to want to retest in a few days.... The nurse called me and said well you are definitely pregnant your levels are at 38,000 we think you are about 6-8 weeks. We scheduled our ultrasound on 5/24 we drove to Seattle and got our ultrasound... We got to see our little peanut and hear his heartbeat. We measured at 6 weeks 5 days. We couldn't believe it. We didn't wait very long with so much excitement to announce we were pregnant we announce on May 27th our anniversary
The next few months seem like a blur now. I had morning sickness everyday but it was ok because I knew it was all for baby. We shopped for baby, got the nursery together, moved rooms in our house around... We were getting ready for baby. We planned a big Gender reveal I thought baby was a boy the whole time daddy thought girl. We had a boy name picked out but still narrowing down a few girls names. We wanted to wait to find out with our family and close friends what baby is.
On August 4th we had our gender reveal and we got to find out we were having a beautiful little boy. Nolan Eugene Hayward. We were both SOOOOOO HAPPY tears of joy.
Shortly after the last person left our house I went to use the restroom and my water broke.... I didn't know what it was I just remember how it felt and being so scared and screaming for TJ, he rushed me to the hospital they did an ultrasound baby was fine but the doctor said all of my amniotic fluid seemed to be gone, so they took me for a formal ultrasound baby was still fine but they noticed my placenta was detaching from the wall. Through this whole process my contractions were getting stronger and stronger, they took me up to the floor and I told the nurse that I felt like I needed to use the bathroom but I was scared and didn't want to go. She said let me go get the doctor so we can see if you are dilated. The dr and nurse were getting ready to check me and I could feel the baby was coming there was no stopping it. Baby Nolan was born sleeping on 8/4/18 @ 8:17 pm... @ 4 1/2 months. He measured at 18weeks 1 day.
Our worst nightmare had happened... We lost our sweet baby... We got to hold him, say our good byes, we left the hospital with a memory box rather than a baby. Our hearts are broken but we are healing. We are trying to stay positive and keep reminding ourselves of all the positives and putting all of our trust in gods plan. We got our son cremated and put up some shelves in the room. He was so loved, and will be so missed. We will forever carry him in our hearts and talk about him often, His future brothers and sisters will know of there older brother in Nolan who lives in heaven with Jesus. He is my first born, my son, and the little boy who made me a mommy. He had the BEST first birthday and we will celebrate his birthday EVERYEAR!
It’s not been a little over 5 months since we lost our son.
His due date is today Jan 8th and I am have been mentally trying to prepare myself. Every thing since we have lost our son has been bittersweet hard and different. Halloween was not the same, I was supposed to still be pregnant... home handing out candy to all these cute dressed up little kids and just thinking I will never get to see Nolan dressed up in a little dinosaur costume, or batman... or whatever he was going to like. Thanksgiving was hard, it was the first year we didn't go to my families, I didn't feel like doing anything I was sad. I was supposed to be pregnant... Christmas came around... and that day was tough... Nolan would have been here or would be here anyday.. we woke up opened our gifts and had a good morning, I then got in the shower laid in the tub and balled. I cant tell you how many times I have done that... scream cried in the shower... I got out and laid in bed and cried... this Christmas was supposed to be so different. We knew everything was going to be hard but we didn't realize how hard the month of January was going to be for us. My husband and I have both been having such a hard time this month. He was supposed to be here. Our lives were supposed to change. My first baby was not supposed to be born like this. Ill never understand it. But I will continue to share my story and try and raise awareness for infertility and premature birth, still birth, and miscarriages. I want my son to be remembered. We will honor him for the rest of our lives. I wish more people would be open about their stories, I also wish more people could understand what it was like and knew what to say and what not to say. I don't have a disease you don't have to stay away, you don't have to aoid me or not talk to me... don't be afraid to say my sons name, he is my son. Hes just not here on earth with us he is in heaven. Count him as one of your nieces or nephews, one of your grandchildren he was real, he was a baby just like any other baby just smaller. My baby knew nothing but love, and warmth, he never knew of any harm, he was precious and he was pure. He was perfect. We got these pictures done with our son, our first family photos since hes been born. We want to normalize infant loss and stillborn awareness. They are babies, They are real, and he is part of our family. Some people may think these photos are morbid... but to me they are beautiful and they mean so much to us. He will continue to be apart of our family pictures for years to come with his siblings. We love you Nolan Eugene.
There has been so much that has happened since we lost Nolan. We had a chemical pregnancy in October. We are still trying to get pregnant through IUI and praying to bring our rainbow baby home in 2019.
