My name is Kelsey Covington and this is my son’s story.
Xander James has a story that deserves to be sung from the roof tops. He was meant to be here. I didn’t miscarry him, there were zero complications during pregnancy, we didn’t go into the hospital knowing his crib would always be empty. This wasn’t something we weren't prepared for in the slightest because it simply does not happen.
I was 40 weeks to the day when I walked into my final dr. appointment. A STRONG heart beat. Growing right on track. Mama was not dilated however. “Let’s scrape your membrane and see if that helps.” Labor started that same night. I would labor for the next 28 hours and 45 minutes with not 1 single push. I was flipped on all fours. I was bounced on a yoga ball. I was given copious amounts of pitocin. Contractions going up and down and up and down. I was told I was the only woman on the floor in labor that night. Naturally I assumed I would be taken care of like royalty. I was seen by a doctor I’d never met before only twice and sadly, the 2nd time was to order a stat c-section and run me down the coldest hallway I’d ever felt. I would wake up to a room full of nurses, the doctor sobbing in the corner of my room, my dad comforting her and Xander’s dad rubbing my forehead. “Xander didn’t make it, did he?”
He did his best. He was an absolute rockstar through and through. He was tired though. I was tired. I had so many questions and was given zero answers. “This kind of thing does not happen.” “I’ve gone over it a million times and I still have no answers.” My dreams for my baby were shattered. I was sent home with a lock of his hair, an empty car seat, and a confused heart while they continued on about their day. X should be here. I should be able to kiss his head today and everyday but, no matter how sad or how upset or how down right angry I get, I deal with the hand I’ve been dealt. I find warmth in his subtle signs of being with me. I do my best for him everyday. Now don’t get me wrong... I cry all the time. This mama is the conductor of the hot mess express. A certain smell in the air, the way the wind blows, a baby with dark hair and a big head will bring me to my knees but let me tell you in the days after we celebrated his life, we were surrounded by the most love you could ever possibly imagine. It overwhelmed every corner and every inch of our home and I couldn’t possibly let this sadness overthrow that feeling that has been engraved into my heart.
Xander was and is loved so immeasurably. We have his pictures all over the house and we laugh about his incredible size. After all, he was 10lbs and 23.5 inches long! As we come up on year 2 in October, I try to be positive. I remember that I gave birth to a baby whose heart was so strong, we were able to donate his valves and he was able to save 5 other babies. I remember what an absolute honor it is to be this boys mama. I remember that I was the only person on this earth who got know him and that is so special. I have a teddybear that weighs the same amount as X and it brings me that heaviness if his that warms me to me core.
He’s the sweetest softest boy I’ve ever known and I’m proud to be able to carry my son in my heart.
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